Five Lessons Any Married Couple Should Know

September 22, 2023

Five Lessons Any Married Couple Should Know

For one month, there was no sex in my marriage. No steamy make-out sessions, no passionate embraces, no physical intimacy whatsoever. 


Our bedroom door closed, marking an invisible wall between us. The tension mounted steadily, yet this shocking experience jolted me awake in unexpected ways. 


Like taking an icy plunge, abstaining for a month rocked our relationship boat, but we emerged with profound revelations that continue guiding our journey today.


Join me as I dive into the raw, messy, and liberating lessons gleaned from one sexless month in my marriage. Here are the key takeaways:


# Lesson 1: Communication Trumps All


This experience emphasized the indispensability of open communication in marriage. Turns out, enhancing our emotional connection was more critical than addressing any immediate issues.


Research shows that abstaining from sex can compel partners to rely more on non-physical forms of intimacy, fostering deeper and more meaningful communication. The physical urge fades into the background, creating space for emotional vulnerability. 


I learned this with our four-year-old—when we butted heads, trying to overpower him only added fuel to the fire. But when I dialed back, acknowledged his feelings, and connected first, he became receptive. Apply this to marriage, and it’s game-changing.


Tapping into emotional intimacy and communicating openly before diving into disagreements can significantly improve resolving conflicts. 


So the key lesson is to connect emotionally first, then you can tackle issues constructively. Prioritizing communication is essential.


# Lesson 2: The Slippery Slope of Withholding Intimacy 


Cutting off physical intimacy as “punishment” is a dangerous gambit. It often ends up jeopardizing the relationship further instead of fixing things.


Abstaining from sex for an extended period feels like a blow to both partners. And let’s face it—for many, sex is a fundamental need, not just a want. 


When that tap is turned off, especially unilaterally, the deprivation can push partners to dramatic measures like affairs or divorce. But those actions bypass the real issue.


The point is weaponizing sex rarely resolves problems. More likely, it amplifies them by breeding resentment and distance.


# Lesson 3: Abstinence Hurts You Too   


Now, let’s talk about the personal toll of prolonged abstinence. 


When sex leaves the equation for too long, tension builds, morphing into bitterness and gloom. Instead of breaking this cycle, you add more links to the chain binding you.


After a sexless month, I was despondent and desperate, hurting myself as a cry for help. My husband weathered it better, but I cratered.


Research confirms these psychological effects—deprivation of a basic need takes its toll, harming your mental health and wellbeing.


So, abstaining impacts you as much as your partner. This painful double-edged sword cuts both ways.


# Lesson 4: Don’t Let the Bedroom Go Cold 


Here’s the reality—when you stop having sex for an extended time, it changes your relationship’s climate. 


If you avoid divorce, you may still end up platonic roommates, not lovers. The bedroom becomes just a place to sleep, nothing more.


Over time, the passion fades. Some settle into a sexless routine, scared of rejection if they initiate. Others yearn for their partner to make the first move but refuse to disrupt the status quo themselves.


Prolonged abstinence breeds comfortability but not necessarily happiness. Some resign themselves to a relationship devoid of physical connection due to the complications of leaving.


But there is a way to rekindle that flame before it sputters out—it just requires bravery, communication, and commitment from both partners.


# Lesson 5: Regular Intimacy Nurtures Marriage


Research shows that maintaining a healthy sex life cements partners together. 


While sex alone can’t solve marital problems, it provides essential benefits. Regular intimacy creates a sense of closeness, desirability, and belonging between spouses.


It’s a shared moment of profound vulnerability that reassures partners they’re valued. The relaxing afterglow promotes open communication and emotional intimacy.


Now, sex isn’t a cure-all bandage, but it does play a vital role in marital health and preservation. Like glue-binding pages in a book, it helps hold a marriage together.


So, amid the chaos of life, carve out time for regular physical connection. When tensions escalate, view it as a sign—your relationship needs some TLC. 


# Key Takeaways:


Looking back, these hard-knock lessons shaped my perspective on intimacy and marriage:


1. Communication and emotional connection are essential foundations. 


2. Withholding sex creates distance instead of resolution. 


3. Abstinence takes a psychological toll on you too.


4. Prolonged abstinence can permanently alter the relationship.


5. Regular sex nurtures intimacy and relationship health.


# Moving Forward With Insight


While my experience doesn’t define universal truths, I hope these lessons provide insight into maintaining an intimate connection in marriage. 


I’m curious to hear your perspectives on balancing emotional and physical intimacy. What strategies have you found effective? Or have you gleaned your own lessons from periods of abstinence? I am eager to learn from your experiences as well.


The path ahead will likely hold more twists and turns, but armed with hard-earned wisdom, I feel better prepared to navigate the joys and challenges of marital intimacy. And I hope these lessons offer you guidance to foster a lifelong connection as well.