Have you ever noticed something strange? When a friend comes to you with a problem, you know exactly what they should do. The solution seems so clear, so obvious. You tell them confidently what steps to take, and it all makes perfect sense.
But then, when you face a similar problem yourself? You freeze. You can’t decide anything. Your mind goes blank, or worse, it spirals into overthinking, and you end up more confused than when you started.
Why does this happen? Let’s break it down.
The Real Reason We’re Better at Solving Other People’s Problems
Most people will tell you it’s simple: when you’re helping someone else, you’re emotionally detached. You can think clearly because it’s not your life on the line. But when it’s your own problem, emotions cloud your judgment.
Sounds good, right? It’s a nice, clean answer that makes you feel like you’ve figured it out.
But here’s the truth – that’s a surface-level explanation. It sounds smart, but it’s actually pretty useless because it ignores the most important questions.
We’re Not Just Detached – We’re Careless
Let’s be honest about what’s really happening. When someone asks for your advice, do you actually sit down and think deeply about their situation? Or do you just say whatever comes to mind first?
For most of us, it’s the second one. We give quick answers because, deep down, we’re not that invested in the outcome. If our advice turns out to be terrible, it’s not our life that gets messed up. We can walk away without consequences.
Think about it. Your friend says they want to quit their job. You might quickly say, “Yeah, just quit. What’s the big deal?” But if you were the one considering quitting, you’d think about a hundred different things first. How will I pay my bills? What about my credit card debt? How will I feed my family next month?
We Give Advice Without Understanding the Problem
Here’s another thing we do wrong. We give advice on topics we know nothing about.
Someone mentions they want to start a business, and even if you’ve never run a business in your life, you immediately have an opinion. “Oh, that’s a bad idea,” or “Yeah, go for it!” Based on what? Nothing. Just your gut feeling or something you heard somewhere.
It’s like when someone in your family gets sick. They have a stomach ache or a cough, and you immediately tell them what medicine to take. Why? Because you took that medicine once and it worked for you. But do they have the same problem you had? You don’t actually know. You didn’t ask enough questions to find out.
This is lazy thinking, and it’s dangerous. You might have good intentions, but giving advice without understanding the problem is basically giving bad advice.
Why Emotions Aren’t the Enemy
Now, let’s talk about what happens when you’re solving your own problems. Yes, emotions get involved. But are emotions always bad?
No. Sometimes your emotions are telling you something important.
When you’re scared to quit your job, maybe that fear is pointing to a real problem – you actually don’t have enough savings, or you don’t have another income source lined up yet. That’s not irrational fear. That’s your brain protecting you from a bad decision.
The issue isn’t that you have emotions. The issue is that you’re probably operating at one of two extremes:
- With others: You give quick, thoughtless advice without considering their real situation
- With yourself: You get so paralyzed by emotions that you can’t make any decision at all
Both of these are wrong.
What You Should Do Instead
Whether you’re helping someone else or making your own decision, here’s what actually works:
Ask Questions, Don’t Give Answers
When someone comes to you for advice, your first reaction shouldn’t be to give them an answer. It should be to ask them questions.
What exactly is the problem? What have they already tried? What are they afraid of? What does their life situation actually look like right now?
If you’ve ever watched me work through questions with people, you’ll notice I ask a lot of questions before I say anything definitive. I’m not trying to show off. I’m trying to understand what’s really going on before I open my mouth.
Write Things Down
When you’re facing a big decision – or when you’re helping someone else with theirs – get a piece of paper and a pen. Make two columns: one for the positives, one for the negatives.
What are the actual benefits of this decision? What are the real risks? Don’t just think about this in your head. Write it down. Seeing it on paper makes everything clearer.
At first, you’ll need to do this for every important decision. But over time, your brain will start doing this automatically. You’ll train yourself to think more clearly and consider multiple angles.
Consider Every Angle That Matters
A good decision takes into account:
- The practical realities (money, time, resources)
- The emotions involved (are they pointing to real concerns or just fears?)
- What you actually want (your desires matter)
- The real risks (not imaginary ones)
- What happens if things go wrong
If there’s no risk involved, it’s probably a small decision, and you can make it quickly. But if it’s a big decision with real consequences, you need to think it through properly.
Know When to Stay Quiet
If someone asks you about something you don’t understand, just admit it. You don’t need to have an answer for everything.
I film sessions that run for an hour or more, but I only upload 15-20 minutes of content. Why? Because of the many questions people ask me, I simply fold my hands and say, “I don’t know anything about that topic. I can’t help you with that question.”
I don’t just talk for the sake of talking. If I don’t have a genuine answer, I say so. You should do the same.
The Pattern You Need to Break
Here’s what happens when you keep giving careless advice to others: you start treating yourself the same way.
You start believing in quick fixes and surface-level solutions. Someone’s life is falling apart, and instead of helping them think through it properly, you tell them it’s probably bad luck or someone put a curse on them. Did you see a lemon outside your house? That must be it!
This is ridiculous, but I’ve seen it happen over and over again. When you normalize this kind of thinking with others, you eventually apply it to yourself, too.
You start believing your own shallow explanations. You can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s nonsense anymore.
The Bottom Line
Stop treating other people’s problems like they don’t matter. Stop giving advice just to get them to stop bothering you. And stop pretending you know things you don’t actually know.
When someone comes to you with a real problem, sit with them. Ask questions. Write things down. Think it through properly. Help them see all the angles they might be missing.
Why should you care about putting in this effort for someone else? Because when you practice thinking clearly about their problems, you’re training yourself to think clearly about your own problems too.
And when it comes to your own decisions, stop letting emotions paralyze you. Feel the emotions, yes, but also look at the facts. Write down the pros and cons. Consider what’s actually at stake versus what you’re imagining might happen.
Think deeply about problems – whether they’re yours or someone else’s. That’s the only way to find real solutions that actually work.
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