Have you ever met someone who seems nice on the surface but something about them just feels off? Maybe they’re part of your friend circle, a coworker, or even family. Sometimes we don’t even have much of a choice about who we’re around.
I recall a few characters from the past that put me off friend circles entirely.
Toxic friend circles and gossip
One woman had a PhD. Unfortunately, she was also the biggest gossip. I’m not saying the rest of us had saintly characters, but some people behave in such a repugnant way that it stands out like a neon sign.
Have you noticed how some people maliciously gossip about others behind their backs while pretending to be so nice to their face? I’ve often wondered whether she was too full of herself to realize what she said would reach the ears of the person she was talking about, or if she just didn’t care.
Maybe she was just stupid.
Eventually, there was a showdown when the other people who had quietly tolerated her behavior called her out at a party. She immediately assumed a victim’s demeanor. She claimed to be a nice person who was wrongly accused by those who hated her—a classic move of a hypocrite and a manipulative person.
I’m no psychologist, but if someone says unkind things behind people’s backs, then it doesn’t seem like the problem lies with those people. I think people like her have deep insecurities or maybe even an inferiority complex that they appease by being malicious gossipers. I feel pity for her and would suggest therapy to get to the root cause of her envy and resentment.
I’m sure we’ve all encountered challenging personalities—from gossipers to energy vampires at some point who have soured our mood or day. Recognizing them helps us protect our energies and boundaries.
Blame shifters
Do you know why they do it? They assume they won’t get caught. They think the person they’re gossiping to won’t repeat it to the one being talked about. I’ve called people out on this before, and it’s never pleasant.
What usually happens is denial. When presented with proof, they still refuse to take responsibility because that would mean admitting to wrongdoing. Instead, they turn it around on you and attack the person who exposed them.
The best response is to disengage. Walk away, and keep walking. Or if it’s someone you can’t avoid, like family members or coworkers, keep them at arm’s length.
Energy vampires
Some people in my life are draining to be around. Unfortunately, my mother is one. She makes me feel guilty for being divorced and in a relationship with a younger man who isn’t of my faith. Another energy vampire is my ex. Any communication with him leaves me frustrated and spoils my day. Then there are the coworkers who leave me emotionally exhausted because they suck the oxygen out of the room with invisible proboscises.
However, I feel family pressures take the cake. If you’re Indian, you might relate to how they can drain us emotionally, sometimes more than any friend or coworker ever could.
Cultural pressures and parental pressures
Why do Indian parents insist on controlling their adult children? My mom knows I went through a miserable first marriage, and now I’ve found happiness with a good man. Shouldn’t she be happy for me, or at the very least, let me live in peace? But no, for her, my happiness doesn’t matter, not if it’s not a proper Indian boy.
What matters to her is log kya bolenge (what will people say).
Sadly, it’s this fear of social judgment that drives major decisions, including marriage in many Indian families. Because of that, personal choices often take a backseat, especially if they’re not considered “acceptable.”
Even as an adult living in the US, my decisions sometimes clash with my family’s expectations. I love them and don’t want to lose them, but their tendency to interfere makes things difficult.
Lies, betrayal and trust issues
One of the reasons I have trust issues is the person whom you expect to be trustworthy and loyal—my husband—turned around and told family secrets to anyone who would listen to cover up his infidelity. It broke my heart, not for my sake, but for those it affected.
Later, he said I made him do it. He thought I’d spill the beans on him (he ended up doing it himself), so he struck first, trying to malign my reputation.
There’s an Indian couple I know who came to work in the US a long time ago. The woman, a gossip, loves to entertain and throw extravagant parties. Her son married a smart girl who decided that the only way to survive her mother-in-law and her gossipy friends was by mastering the grey rock method—staying bland and dispassionate.
Grey rocking is such a lifesaver, not to mention an energy saver when you’re around social scavengers.
Twisted envy and respect
Have you noticed these people demand respect instead of earning it? Either people respect you out of fear, like dictators, or you earn it. Respect, like love or likability, cannot be forced.
They crave attention for good deeds. C’mon, if you’re a good person, great, but you don’t need a drumroll every time you smile at a stranger or help an elderly person cross the road.
Boundaries, responsibilities and self-respect
Both online and offline, I’ve often seen how some people view others’ success as a threat. If you asked me what defines me, I’d say it’s putting my family first. No one forced me to, and it’s a choice I made.
There have been times when I’ve felt like reaching for alcohol to cope, but fortunately, better judgment prevails. It’s not just because I like to be clear-headed, but because as a mom, I’m always on call. What I consider my greatest accomplishment in life is fulfilling my responsibilities without expecting anything in return.
Final thoughts
So, have you noticed these signs in people around you? At the end of the day, I’m not here to please anyone. I am me, unapologetically. I’m not trying to be your best friend or crawl my way into anyone’s good graces. If people want to understand and connect with me, they will do it on their own through the words I write and my actions.
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