Keeping the flame alive in a long-term relationship is a delicate dance. You want to be close to the person you love, yet you know that constant togetherness can backfire over time. Esther Perel said in her famous TED talk that desire needs space to thrive.
So, how do you create that space without manipulating your partner? As someone who’s been in multiple long-term relationships, I’ve learned some psychology-backed ways to make someone miss you that feel authentic.
The Pitfall to Avoid
It’s tempting to respond to waning attention by demanding more from your partner. “You don’t miss me anymore!” or “Why don’t you call as much?” But, according to psychologist Dr. Antonio Borello, complaining usually backfires:
“Complaining about your partner not missing you has the opposite effect, and things get more difficult between you two. If you continue to bring it up, you might sabotage your chances of turning things around.”- Dr. Antonio Borello.
Understandably, the shift can hurt. But directly accusing your partner of not caring will likely only push them further away. There are more constructive ways to rekindle the flame.
Resolve Lingering Conflicts
Unresolved issues in a relationship can fester under the surface, leading to unconscious feelings of resentment. To clear the air for positive emotions, address conflicts openly, and apologize sincerely when needed.
Don’t let small arguments or misunderstandings pile up. Clearing the slate can help your partner be more receptive to reconnecting.
Give Each Other Space to Be Individuals
When you first fall in love, you might want to be joined at the hip 24/7. But as psychologist Dr. Wyatt Fisher explains, some personal space is essential:
“People need privacy and autonomy. When these aren’t permitted in a relationship, people start feeling smothered, controlled, and resentful towards their partners.”- Dr. Wyatt Fisher.
Give your partner the freedom to pursue individual interests and friendships outside the relationship. Find hobbies and social connections of your own, too. Bringing your own self-sufficiency and happiness to the table is attractive.
Absence Really Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
Rather than demanding more attention, create opportunities for distance. Regular date nights, girls/guys trips, or even weekends fully apart give you a chance to miss each other.
Psychologist Dr. Marisa Cohen writes in Psychology Today that absences allow you to:
- Reflect on what you appreciate about your partner
- Focus on personal growth and goals
- Have novel experiences separately to share later
- Build feelings of trust and independence
Limited doses of distance strengthen intimacy over the long run.
Limit Constant Communication
In the early infatuation phase, you might text and call each other constantly. But as the relationship matures, resist the urge to overcommunicate, according to therapist Kurt Smith.
Leave some jokes, updates, or minor details untold, so you actually have fresh things to talk about later. Don’t panic if you don’t speak for most of the day. Healthy relationships don’t require 24/7 contact.
Express Real Appreciation
People want to be around those who make them feel good. Send genuine compliments when your partner does something you admire or that brightens your day. According to researcher Dr. Amir Levine, expressions of appreciation stimulate feel-good neurochemicals in the brain, strengthening emotional bonds.
Show gratitude for both big and small acts of kindness. Knowing they are appreciated will motivate your partner to keep up the efforts that make you feel cared for.
Keep Some Intrigue
In the words of Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction, “There is too little mystery in the world.” You don’t need to reveal every detail of your inner world right away in a relationship or bare your soul 24/7. Allow some room for curiosity.
Unveil layers of yourself slowly over time. Save some lighthearted anecdotes or dreams to share during lulls in conversation later on. Keeping a bit of mystery about you makes you more fascinating.
Don’t Be Possessive
Blatant expressions of possessiveness or jealousy usually backfire. As therapist Kurt Smith advises, avoid statements like:
- “Who are you talking to?”
- “Why didn’t you pick up?”
- “I don’t like you going out without me.”
This controlling behavior does not make you more desirable. Instead, demonstrate trust by giving your partner the freedom to be themselves. Phrases like “Have fun!” when they go out to show you support their independent spirit.
Strengthen Emotional Intimacy
Desire needs an emotional foundation to thrive long-term, according to sex therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson in The Journal of Sex Research. Work on sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and meaningful parts of yourself.
Create fun, adventurous experiences that spark joy you’ll both treasure. The more you deepen bonds of friendship and intimacy, the more your partner will long for your company.
Conclusion
There are many ways to reignite that special feeling of being missed that don’t involve game-playing. With care and mutual understanding, you can strike a balance where you don’t take each other for granted but retain autonomy.
While waning attention can sting, remember that some space ultimately strengthens intimacy. What has worked in your relationships to maintain that spark? Let me know in the comments below!