I spent two years with someone who was physically there but emotionally somewhere else. We’d have great weekends together, but when I tried to talk about what we meant to each other, he’d joke it off or suddenly remember he had somewhere to be. I felt crazy—like I was asking for too much by wanting actual emotional connection.
Turns out, I wasn’t asking for too much. I was dating someone emotionally unavailable.
Here’s the thing about emotional unavailability: it’s not about someone being a terrible person. Often, it’s a defense mechanism built from past hurt, childhood experiences, or learned patterns. But understanding what’s happening doesn’t mean you have to accept feeling lonely in your own relationship.
They Send You on an Emotional Rollercoaster
This week, they’re planning your future together and texting you good morning. Next week, they leave you on read for five hours and act like nothing’s wrong when they finally respond.
I remember refreshing my phone constantly, trying to figure out what changed between yesterday’s “I miss you” and today’s radio silence. Emotionally unavailable people want connection—they genuinely do. But when things start feeling too real or too vulnerable, they panic and pull away. Then they miss you and come back. Rinse, repeat.
This isn’t you being needy. This is someone who hasn’t learned how to sit with emotional intimacy without running.
You’re Carrying the Entire Relationship
Think about your last few conversations about your relationship. Who started them? Who brings up plans for next month? Who asks the difficult questions?
If it’s always you, pay attention to that. I used to think I was just being proactive by planning dates and initiating “where is this going” talks. But really, I was doing all the emotional labor because he couldn’t handle it. He’d participate when I forced the conversation, sure. But left to his own devices? Silence.
A relationship should feel like a partnership, not a one-person show.
Future Plans Make Them Uncomfortable
My ex would happily spend every Friday night at my place, meet my friends, even come to family dinners. But ask him if we were actually dating? Suddenly everything got vague. “Let’s just see where things go,” he’d say, six months in.
Emotionally unavailable partners avoid labels and future planning like it’s a trap. They’ll do relationship things without calling it a relationship. They’ll participate in your life without confirming you’re in theirs. It’s their way of keeping one foot out the door, just in case vulnerability gets too scary.
Emotional Conversations Get Shut Down Fast
Try bringing up your feelings with an emotionally unavailable partner. Watch them change the subject, crack a joke, or suddenly need to check their phone. When I’d tell my ex I felt distant from him, he’d either say “everything’s fine” when it obviously wasn’t, or act like I was creating drama out of nothing.
This usually comes from growing up in environments where emotions were dismissed or punished. They learned early that feelings are dangerous, so they shut them down—theirs and yours.
Everything Happens on Their Terms
Their schedule. Their preferred activities. Their convenience. I didn’t notice it at first, but eventually, I realized I was always the one adjusting, compromising, fitting into their life. They rarely fit into mine.
This isn’t always malicious. For many emotionally unavailable people, control equals safety. If they control when and how you connect, they control how vulnerable they have to be. But it leaves you feeling like a supporting character in your own relationship.
Sex is Easy, Emotional Intimacy is Not
Physical connection? No problem. Deep conversations after? Suddenly they’re exhausted or need to scroll through their phone. I’ve been with people who were perfectly comfortable with physical intimacy but would literally get up and leave if pillow talk got too personal.
Physical closeness can feel safer because it doesn’t require the same vulnerability as emotional connection. You can have sex with someone without letting them truly know you.
They Don’t Know How to Show Up for You
When you’re having a bad day and need support, they might minimize your feelings (“you’re overreacting”), offer surface-level solutions (“just don’t think about it”), or act visibly uncomfortable with your emotions.
I once cried in front of someone I was dating after a particularly hard day. Instead of comfort, I got “why are you being so sensitive?” It wasn’t that he didn’t care—he just had zero tools to handle someone else’s emotions because he’d never learned to handle his own.
What’s Really Going On
Before you decide what to do, understand that emotional unavailability usually comes from somewhere:
Most emotionally unavailable people learned early that depending on others emotionally isn’t safe. Maybe their parents were distant. Maybe past relationships taught them vulnerability equals pain. Their brain learned that keeping people at arm’s length prevents hurt.
Some people, especially men, grew up being told that emotions are weakness or that needing someone is shameful. They internalized those messages and now they’re repeating the pattern.
Here’s What You Can Actually Do
Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
Decide what you need to feel emotionally fulfilled. Not what sounds reasonable or what you think you should need—what you actually need. For me, that included feeling heard when I shared something important and knowing where we stood as a couple.
Then communicate those needs clearly. Not as demands, but as information: “I need to feel emotionally connected to my partner” or “I need someone who can talk about feelings without shutting down.”
Make Space for Vulnerability Without Cornering Them
“Why don’t you ever open up?” puts someone on the defensive. Instead, try genuine curiosity: “What was that experience like for you?” Start small—talk about movies, other people’s situations, hypothetical scenarios. Build up to personal vulnerability.
Some emotionally unavailable people can learn to open up when they don’t feel ambushed.
Don’t Lose Yourself
I spent so much energy trying to crack my ex’s emotional code that I neglected my own friendships, my own interests, my own needs. Don’t do that. Keep your life full. See your friends. Pursue your hobbies. Consider therapy to process what you’re experiencing.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s survival.
Consider Getting Professional Help
Couples therapy can provide tools you don’t have on your own. A good therapist creates safety for both people and teaches healthier communication patterns. Even if your partner won’t go, individual therapy can help you figure out what you need and whether this relationship can provide it.
Know Your Limit
Sometimes, despite everything, nothing changes. I stayed in that relationship far longer than I should have because I kept hoping he’d eventually let me in. He didn’t.
If you’ve communicated clearly, given it time, and still feel consistently lonely or unheard, it’s okay to walk away. Staying with someone who can’t meet your emotional needs will slowly erode your sense of self-worth. You’re not giving up—you’re choosing yourself.
Moving Forward
Change is possible, but only if your partner wants to change. You can’t love someone into emotional availability. You can’t be patient enough or understanding enough to fix it for them.
What you can do is create conditions that make growth possible—safety, clear communication, patience. But ultimately, they have to do the work.
Some emotionally unavailable people, with time and effort, learn to connect more deeply. Others need years of therapy to address underlying trauma. And some aren’t ready to do any of it.
Trust what you feel. If you consistently feel lonely despite being in a relationship, that’s telling you something important. Those feelings aren’t wrong or dramatic—they’re data about whether this relationship is healthy for you.
Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make someone evil. But it can make for a really painful relationship. By recognizing the signs and understanding your options, you’re better equipped to make choices that honor what you need.
You deserve someone who can show up for you emotionally, even if that journey takes work. The question is whether your partner is willing to take that journey with you.
- Why Good People Do Terrible Things(And What It Teaches Us) - October 8, 2025
- 7 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable (And How to Fix It) - October 7, 2025
- 10 Things to Know About Your Crush Before You Start Dating - October 6, 2025
