One of my coworkers is the second angriest person I’ve ever encountered. He once threatened to burn down his boss’s house, then turned around and blamed his boss for reporting him to the police.
My coworker said, “I was just kidding.”
But let’s be real—angry people are never just kidding, especially when they claim they are. An angry person doesn’t know how to tell a joke. They mislabel threats and insults in a pathetic attempt to mask their cruelty.
My mom could win gold in the anger Olympics. She drove everyone away—even her own children. We didn’t speak to her for years. She died alone in the only care facility in the state that would take her. Even before her mental decline, she was a deeply angry person.
Understanding Angry People
There’s a significant difference between feeling anger and being an angry person. Everyone experiences anger. It’s healthy to express it, as long as you do so with a bit of self-awareness.
A mature person might say, “I’m frustrated because of X.” They articulate, “I’m angry at you because of Y.”
An angry person doesn’t do this. They lose their tempers but never actually discuss what’s bothering them—and they never deal with it. So their anger just builds up, like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.
Angry people often make themselves angry, even when there’s no real reason. They secretly enjoy being angry. Their anger at others distracts them from their own issues. But those very issues are what fuel their anger. They swirl in a vortex of their own making.
Avoiding the Angry Trap
Raw, unprocessed anger poisons your logic and creativity. It damages your relationships and even your physical health. It will keep you from accomplishing anything worthwhile.
As many wise folks have said, one of the best ways to improve at anything is simple: identify bad habits and put a check on them. It won’t solve everything, but it does a lot.
Here’s what angry people typically do:
- They have imaginary arguments in their heads.
We’re all guilty of this to some extent. We predict how someone will behave and start gearing up for a confrontation. We think through what they’ll say and how we’ll respond.This is insidious, unproductive behavior. You build up pointless animosity toward someone you care about. The worst part? Nothing has even happened yet, and you’re already angry at them.This is why angry people blow up for no apparent reason. The rest of us try to avoid these imaginary arguments. They don’t make you feel good and accomplish nothing. Angry people live in this state, always preparing for their next argument.The takeaway: Don’t turn an imaginary argument into a real one. Ask yourself why you’re making someone else the bad guy. Realize that you’re really just arguing with yourself, projecting emotions you don’t want to own. - They go from zero to sixty with no warning.
Anger exists on a spectrum, just like any emotion. There’s slight irritation on the low end, frustration in the middle, and fury at the top.Part of becoming a mature person is developing a vocabulary for all your emotions and a range of appropriate responses. Think of it like a toolbox filled with various tools.Deeply angry people don’t have a wide vocabulary for their emotions. They try to solve every problem with a hammer at 60 mph. It works in the short term. When you blow up at someone, you often get your way. This is what my coworker does—he bullies everyone into submission.But this behavior catches up with them. Over time, nobody wants to work with them anymore. They become human hot potatoes.The takeaway: Find a more specific word than “angry” to describe what you’re feeling. Unleash your temper in private if you must. Wait until you’ve calmed down before confronting someone. - They cling to grudges.
Mature people don’t always have to forgive and forget. You don’t have to be friends with someone who wronged you. You can be blunt about who you want in your life and who you don’t. That’s not the same as holding a grudge.Angry people hold onto grudges tightly. They tell the same stories over and over about a handful of wrongs done to them. They seek payback and try to turn everyone against their personal nemesis.They keep their grudges alive by reliving their bad experiences, preventing them from moving on. Deep down, angry people don’t want resolution; they want to annihilate everyone who mistreated them. But that’s impossible. Revenge plots only happen in novels and movies. In real life, they usually land you in jail. Deeply angry people know this on some level, so they settle for a smoldering resentment that hurts them more than anyone else.The takeaway: Remove toxic people from your life, and you won’t need grudges. When you remember what they did, be glad you don’t have to deal with them anymore. - They judge everyone around them.
It’s easy to judge others. It elevates you, however briefly, and gives you an illusion of control. We all judge at times, but mature people know how pointless it is. They catch themselves and try to give people second or third chances.Most importantly, mature people want to be wrong. They enjoy admitting when they’ve misjudged someone. Angry people, on the other hand, judge everyone constantly.They make the worst assumptions about anyone doing better than them. They love to supply malicious motives, justifying their own awful mindsets and behaviors. They don’t have to try hard if everyone’s just as bad as they are. Judgment leads to gossip, and angry people thrive on gossip—except when it’s about them.The takeaway: You don’t have to judge someone unless they’re clearly crossing a line. Let life judge them. Meanwhile, leave them alone. Don’t talk about them just to feel better or for some twisted form of entertainment. - They willfully misinterpret everything.
Sometimes, there’s nothing to get that angry about. Mature people love peace and quiet. Angry people don’t. When everything’s going fine, they need to stir the pot.Misunderstanding someone is the easiest way to start a conflict. Half the world’s drama comes from poor communication. Angry people twist words until they bear no resemblance to their original meaning. They spend their time looking for threats and insults.They love being offended. Being offended justifies the senseless anger already inside them, giving them an outlet. Ironically, they turn around and tell everyone else not to be so easily offended.The takeaway: There’s enough misunderstanding in the world. Don’t add to it by accusing people of saying and doing things they clearly didn’t. - They go out of their way to be jerks.
Angry people crave conflict to distract themselves from their own problems—problems they could fix if they were just a little nicer. Instead, they cut people off in traffic, litter, and create unnecessary problems at checkout lines.Angry people talk in movie theaters. They unconsciously punish the world for their misery. They want someone to ask them to be quiet, so they can act offended and start an argument. They want to get thrown out by the manager so they can complain about unfair treatment.The other day, I read a story about a woman who accosted someone at Target, demanding help finding something. He wasn’t even wearing a red shirt, but she insisted he worked there. That’s not just entitlement; that’s deep, unmanaged anger.The takeaway: Anyone who treats a stranger poorly has serious anger issues. Don’t take it personally. - They blame everyone else for their smallest problems.
Mature people don’t make a big deal out of not getting their way. They don’t look for enemies to explain every imperfection in their lives. They understand that the world is imperfect by design.Angry people need everything just so, partly because they know nothing can ever be perfect. They never run out of flaws to point out, and these faults are always someone else’s doing. They always find a way to make it 40 percent someone else’s fault.The takeaway: Let other people’s little mistakes slide. You make them too, all the time. If you think you’re perfect, it’s just because everyone else gives you a break when you screw up. - They make empty threats.
A threat is serious. When a mature person makes a threat, they don’t want to follow through, but they will if necessary. That’s why they don’t make threats often.Angry people make threats all the time, which renders them meaningless. Nobody takes them seriously, and this only fuels their anger, leading to more threats.One of the biggest threats angry people make is to quit. It’s the threat they’re least capable of delivering on. Nobody wants to hire an angry person who quit their last job out of spite.The takeaway: You’re better off never making threats. They’re addictive, and every one you make means less. - They ignore the beauty in the world.
Even on your worst days, you can still go for a walk or sit outside for a while. You can look at art or listen to music.It’s hard to stay angry for long. Staying angry requires constant focus on unpleasant things. Meanwhile, beauty diffuses anger. This is likely why the angriest people don’t appreciate art, music, literature, or anything without explosions. These are natural antidotes to anger. They won’t always solve your problems, but they’ll help a little.The takeaway: If you’re furious, seek beauty now. Create art. Deal with the thing that upset you later. - They seek out conflict and discomfort.
Mature people remove themselves from unpleasant situations when they can. They take earbuds to the gym to avoid distractions. Angry people, however, want discomfort.
The takeaway: Don’t complain about something you can change, whether directly or indirectly.
Managing Anger
Mismanaged anger is the biggest obstacle to anyone’s success or happiness, however you define those terms. It strangles all the good ideas out of you. Even jealousy and envy are just mismanaged forms of anger toward someone doing better than you.
Anger isn’t inherently bad if you know how to use it. First, you have to recognize your anger and identify its source. Anger doesn’t make you powerful, but dealing with it does. Replacing counterproductive outlets for anger with productive ones is a great place to start.
