How to spot and stop gaslighting
What comes to mind when you think of the word “Gaslighting”? For many, it conjures images of villains in thrillers. In reality, though, gaslighting is far more common than we realize, and it happens in personal relationships, too.
Gaslighting is the act of deliberately distorting someone’s confidence in their own judgment. A gaslighter may lie, deny previous statements, or trivialize your experiences to make you doubt yourself. Their goal is to destabilize you and gain control.
I’ve seen how gaslighting erodes self-esteem over time. Victims begin doubting their thoughts, feelings, and memories. They start apologizing and blaming themselves more. It can be difficult to recognize gaslighting when it comes from someone you trust, but there are telling phrases that manipulators often use.
Here are ten I often see — and how you can empower yourself to respond. The first step is education and trusting your inner guidance when something feels off. I hope that shedding light on these patterns will help you reclaim your sense of reality. You know yourself, your truths, and your worth.
1. “You’re Overreacting”
One of my clients, Laura, realized her boyfriend gaslighted her when he repeatedly accused her of overreacting. Once, she confronted him for flirting with other women in front of her. He brushed it off, saying, “You’re overreacting. I was just being friendly.”
This made Laura second-guess herself. She wondered if she really was oversensitive and paranoid. In reality, her boyfriend invalidated her feelings and tried to make her look unreasonable.
If someone claims you are overreacting, trust your instincts. You feel what you feel for a reason.
What to say instead:
- “Please don’t tell me my feelings are invalid or irrational.”
- “I’m not overreacting, but addressing something that hurts me.”
- “My emotions are my responsibility, and I don’t need you to interpret them.”
2. “You’re Too Sensitive”
Lisa always felt ashamed of her emotions. Her parents repeatedly called her “too sensitive” growing up. They made her feel like something was wrong with her for expressing sadness, hurt, or anger.
She learned to suppress her feelings, which led to depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until her 30s that she realized the problem wasn’t her being “too sensitive.” Her parents had dismissed her emotions and taught her not to trust her own feelings.
If someone calls you too sensitive, don’t believe you’re flawed for having emotions. It means the other person struggles with discomfort around feelings.
What to say instead:
- “I’m not too sensitive. I have normal human emotions.”
- “Please don’t shame me for feeling things.”
- “Being sensitive is not a character flaw.”
3. “You’re Imagining Things”
When Serena noticed her boyfriend growing distant, staying out late, and guarding his phone, she worried he was cheating. When she asked if something was going on, he laughed it off and said, “You’re imagining things.”
Serena started questioning whether she was paranoid and insecure without reason. It turned out her gut instinct was right. After they broke up, she learned he had been unfaithful.
If a partner denies the obvious, don’t let them gaslight you. Insist on the truth.
What to say instead:
- “I know what I see and hear. Please be honest with me.”
- “The evidence clearly shows something is off. Let’s discuss it.”
- “Why are you trying to make me doubt my perception of reality?”
4. “I Never Said That”
Vanessa felt extremely confused when her best friend denied saying things that Vanessa distinctly remembered.
Once, they made plans to get brunch. The next day, her friend insisted she never agreed to it. Another time, the friend claimed she never told Vanessa about a job promotion, though they had celebrated it.
Vanessa started distrusting her memory and wondering if she was going crazy. She later realized her friend gaslighted her as a power play.
If someone denies a previous statement or conversation, stick to your perspective. Don’t let them destabilize your sense of reality.
What to say instead:
- “I know what I heard. Please don’t deny it.”
- “My memory about this is clear. I’m not going to doubt myself.”
- “You might not remember saying that, but I do, and it’s important to me.”
5. “It Was Just A Joke”
Ethan noticed his friend Grant frequently made offensive jokes about Ethan’s culture and sexuality but brushed it off as humor when confronted.
Once, Grant mocked Ethan’s Latino background with racial stereotypes. When Ethan objected, Grant laughed and said, “Come on, I was joking! Don’t be so serious.”
Ethan started to wonder if he was oversensitive for feeling hurt. In therapy, he taught Grant to gaslight him to avoid accountability for racist remarks.
Don’t let people dismiss insults or disrespect as “just joking.” Hold them accountable for harm.
What to say instead:
- “That joke hurt me. Let’s talk about the impact of those words.”
- “Humor shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense.”
- “If you respect me, you’ll take this seriously instead of defending it as a ‘joke.’”
6. “You’re Too Suspicious”
As an intern, Priya noticed her boss frequently taking credit for her work. When she confronted him, he called her suspicions groundless.
He said, “Don’t be so suspicious of people’s motives! I was just trying to showcase your contribution.” Priya started wondering if she was just paranoid.
In fact, her boss was strategically downplaying her work while advancing his career. She learned not to second-guess her perceptions.
If someone calls you suspicious for making valid observations, stand firm. Don’t ignore concerning patterns.
What to say instead:
- “I notice certain behaviors that don’t sit right. Let’s discuss them.”
- “Calling me suspicious won’t make the issue disappear. Let’s address it.”
- “I’m just making astute observations. Please don’t gaslight me.”
7. “You’re Too Negative”
My client Aisha’s partner constantly criticized her “negativity” whenever she tried discussing problems in their relationship.
If she brought up feeling neglected when he worked overtime, he accused her of always thinking negatively. If she asked him to help more around the house, he called her nagging and pessimistic.
Aisha started thinking there was something wrong with her for noticing issues. In fact, the negativity came from him deflecting her concerns.
Don’t let people make you feel flawed for observing real problems. Refuse to stay silent just to keep the peace.
What to say instead:
- “I need to be able to share issues without you calling me negative.”
- “I’m raising concerns, not being negative. Please hear me out.”
- “There’s nothing wrong with advocating for positive change.”
8. “It’s All In Your Head”
When my client Robin fell ill with a chronic condition, her partner Kevin continually dismissed her symptoms and limitations. “This is all in your head,” he would insist. “Just stop obsessing over it, and you’ll get better.”
Kevin’s words made Robin doubt herself and feel guilty for her physical struggles. In reality, he wanted to avoid adjusting to her illness. Only after leaving him did Robin regain trust in her own body.
If someone implies your real physical or emotional pain is “imaginary,” don’t buy into it. Honor your lived experiences.
What to say instead:
- “Please don’t diminish what I’m going through. This is real for me.”
- “Whether you believe me or not doesn’t change my symptoms.”
- “I know my own body. Please support me rather than judge.”
9. “You’re Being Crazy”
My client Lena’s boyfriend Zach often called her “crazy” during arguments to invalidate her perspective. Once, when she confronted him about flirting with other girls, he said, “You’re being crazy and possessive for no reason.”
Over time, Lena wondered if she really was irrational. But after leaving Zach, she realized he used the “crazy” label to escape accountability and control her emotions.
Don’t accept baseless accusations of irrationality. Separate a person’s character from their valid reactions.
What to say instead:
- “Calling me crazy won’t make the issue disappear. Let’s talk about it.”
- “I’m not being irrational, but reacting normally to a messed up situation.”
- “Please don’t turn this into commentary on my mental state.”
10. “You Have No Proof”
When Connor noticed his roommate Jose borrowing his stuff without asking, he confronted him. Jose accused Connor of having “no proof” that he took anything.
When Connor installed a security camera and caught Jose red-handed, Jose still insisted the footage somehow wasn’t definitive enough. His refusal to take accountability really hurt Connor.
Don’t let people make unreasonable evidentiary demands to avoid responsibility. Trust your grounded intuition.
What to say instead:
- “I don’t need indisputable proof to know something is off. Let’s talk about it.”
- “Even without hard evidence, I know what I’ve observed. Don’t try to make me doubt that.”
- “Proof or not, my concerns are still valid. Can we have an honest conversation?”
Gaslighters use various tactics to undermine others and shirk accountability. But each gaslighting attempt reveals more about the gaslighter’s motivations than the truth. You deserve people who take your words and perceptions seriously. Keep advocating for your reality.